I opened up this page to write, and then left it - to go invite a few friends to hang out soon, because that's what I'm wanting more than writing right now. I haven't really done that during these last two months of physical isolation. Well, not that I've been good at doing that in general, ever. But there is something about "everything is Zoom calls" that does lower the activation energy for me to fight whatever mental norms have resisted reaching out to people more. Interesting to notice that there has been resistance there, or even still is there now.
I think I can sense a bit of "shouldn't" lurking, some resistance to... I don't know, wanting to spend time someone is false-equated to seeking their approval? There's some gendered bits in there perhaps, about guys being aloof/independent? Or maybe just the basic fear of rejection? Or the more subtle form of being the overeager pursuer? I can sorta connect that back to middle-school cool-kid dynamics (hint: it wasn't me, middle school was my nadir full of fear) when I go asking my past selves.
But gosh, friendship and connection-resonance is something I really enjoy, and so I'm going to welcome that desire in me and ask for it. Welcome everything and honor self, there's a little AR for ya. I can also see the revealing of experience being so beneficial re the meta of relationships - avoid the dances of not-saying-no politely or hiding how one feels. Reveal, and both parties are better off!
There's a little swirl of that teacup. Funny what tiny tempests are hidden underneath habits.