Status: self-psychologizing, interesting mostly for the process
Yesterday I was doing some Circling, which is like a blend of discussion and meditation, with random trained folks online. I was attuned to being present, and watching out for the filtering-emotional-expression-through-conscious-choice that I had written about the previous day. Anyway, the curiosity and sharing was bouncing around interestingly, everything pleasant for me, until one point where someone was using a lot of words, going analytical in a way that I thought took them out of the moment, and I sensed a frustration in me and just stayed quiet as it would have meant really interrupting to butt in to the ongoing flow there.
And it built up in me - heart rate elevating somewhat, internal debate within my subsystems, "should have" regret, feeling "stuck", and I was lucky that this was hitting the end and the facilitator cleared some space for me to give myself permission and spill it out. I shared the sensations, and identified it as anger - anger from the part of me that lives behind the filter - anger at the filter. The tension and the release together put some tears in my eyes. Subsequent to sharing, even though it was mostly meta level, my body relaxed and I did feel more at peace.
I interpret that, looking back now, as my fear of getting stuck/blocked being greater than the filter frustration. I wanted (I think, not just a "should") to share, and I was angry at myself for filtering, but then more angry about potentially getting myself locked in a shutdown state. Oh... of course that's the bigger trigger. I can recall some painful moments of not trusting myself to let the filter gate open at all, and sitting there mute because, while it felt terrible, it still felt safer than making a mistake or letting my anger out.
Sharing that I had felt angry and blocked was enough to get me out of that stuck-ness. That felt good enough to encourage me to get unblocked (from that specific type of situation) more in the future when it arises. I can maybe do just that part as a next step, and continue deconstructing the reactivity there. And/or maybe I can try to flow with that original impulse more and avoid feeling stuck in the first place? Two fronts.